


I Thought That I Could Be Enough

by BackgroundHufflepuff



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Sadness, omg i am so sorry for this, poor Johnny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BackgroundHufflepuff/pseuds/BackgroundHufflepuff
Summary: SO sad don't read unless you're in the mood for sadness





	I Thought That I Could Be Enough

John hummed to himself as he walked home. He just wanted to snuggle in his boyfriend's arms.

Alexander. John smiled at the thought of him. His adventurous grin, his pretty black hair always tied into that adorable little ponytail, his deep brown eyes forever melting John's heart.

Alex was the best thing that ever happened to John. When they first met, John had been completely helpless under Alex's gaze. They were fast friends, but of course John wanted more. He dropped subtle hints, leaning on Alex, letting their hands brush, playing with his hair. 

Then Alex had called him over urgently, saying he had something to tell him. Guessing it was about his girlfriend Eliza, John said no, but Alex pleaded with him. Finally, John caved and went to his house. Alex had stood on the doorstep, wringing his hands. He had looked at John, eloquence forgotten. Alex had stammered out, "I...I... oh, fuck it." And then he pulled John in and kissed him. It was like something out of a fairy tale, the way Alex had gently held him, the way his lips felt on John's.

Being with Alex was exhilarating, an adventure. And John loved every second of it. 

Alex had always told him that John was his everything, his world, all that he needed. And John had believed him. He had believed every syllable that fell from those beautiful lips that would press against John's so tenderly. 

He approached their house, a cute little townhouse nestled among the others. Alex had loved their house, and John loved it too. 

John's eyes fell on the window. Alex was in there, but he wasn't alone. A woman, a very pretty woman, John noted with a tinge of jealousy, was sitting on their couch. Alex seemed to be ranting about something, John noticed fondly, and the woman was listening and laughing. He never rants like that when he's with me, John noticed.

John wouldn't have cared much. He probably would have gone inside, made friends with the lady, and not suspect Alex of anything. But all hope of that was thrown out the window when she got up and kissed Alex. And Alex didn't say no. 

The worst part? They weren't even fucking or anything. Alex was being tender with this girl. He was as affectionate with her as he was with John, if not more so. Tears flooded John's vision and he made an awful choked noise. 

He noticed that the lady was leaving and ducked behind a bush. He noticed that she had marks all over her face, and that triggered something in him. The world seemed to burn away as he stormed inside.

Alex came to greet him. "Sweetheart, you're-" He noticed John's tear stained face, and the water flowing freely from his eyes. "Jacky, are you okay?" He went to touch John's arm.

John wrenched himself back as though he had been burned. "Don't," he hissed, "Call me Jacky."

"Wh-"

John didn't stop his tirade. "You lost that privilege the moment you brought that girl dressed in red to our home."

Alex's face fell and he tried to say something, but John kept going. "What? Do you want me to be like her? Is there something wrong with me? My hair? My clothes? Am I not charming or affectionate enough? Huh? What am I doing wrong, Alex? Am I not enough for you!?"

John screamed the last part, tears flowing freely from his eyes, tracing paths down his freckled face. 

The house was dead silent. Alex was staring at John, frozen, tears escaping the eyes that John had loved so much.

"No. I'll never be enough for you. Nothing will. I guess Angelica was right in what she told me at that party. You will never be satisfied."

Alex looked broken, tears covering his face. "John, please-"

"Just stop , Alex." Seeing his boyfriend's sobbing broke his heart, but John held firm.

"I love you!"

John laughed without humor. "Once upon a time, I may have believed that, Alexander." John just wanted to cry alone. He wanted to sob it all out. He wanted Eliza, Laf, Herc, Angelica, and Peggy to come comfort him. Most of all, he wanted Alex out. 

"Plea-"

"Get out, Alexander. You forfeit the place in our bed. You can go crash somewhere else, if our relationship, our home, our bed meant so less to you."

"John-"

"I said get out!" John screamed. Alex took in his boyfriend's ruined face, the anger but most of all defeatedness in his tone, the tears that just wouldn't stop flowing. Alex silently shuffled away. As he was leaving, he mumbled, "I love you," again. John had believed everything that fell from Alex's beautiful lips that would press against John's so tenderly. 

Now he didn't know what to believe.

As soon as Alex left, John fell to the floor, crying his heart out. He didn't know what to think. Alex had damaged John, possibly beyond repair. John had been so trusting, so naive. Now, he probably wouldn't trust anyone again. 

"I thought that I could be enough..." John whispered to himself, not knowing that outside the door Alexander was sobbing just as devastatingly.


End file.
